A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. - C.S. Lewis

@1 week ago

I can’t sleep

@1 month ago with 1 note

Being immobilized has given me some time to think, although I don’t think brooding always brings about benefits for me. However, I’ve thought a lot about what life is and perhaps why society is the way that it is. There are a number of hypotheses about the topic, but it all seems to come down to the human psyche. Which is why you have people that are suicidal, prideful, modest, joyful, or even indifferent. The uniqueness in people isn’t how they look or how they present themselves, rather, how they react when given the same situation as others. That is how you know someone holds different qualities and morals to give rise to individuality. I can only relate because of the sorry ways I react to situations. I may be overly apologetic, stupid, and unaware of the circumstances. Yet, once I realize my mistakes I take it upon myself to deal with it. This injury has only caused me to loathe asking for help more than I already did in the past and force myself to burden others with my issues. Although it may be naïve, I like to solve my own problems and do things on my own. I keep to myself and myself alone. When I’m pushed into the corner with no out, I then ask others for assistance. It’s almost prideful and bashful in a way, yet I can’t seem to get myself to just accept the help of others. But find myself always wondering about how something I do would affect others, like how my stupid ankle sprain would burden my roommates or cause people to change plans, etc. 

Something even darker is that I constantly have these nightmares of dying. I remember vividly, seeing the bright headlights right before impact as well as the moment of touching the hole in my abdomen where the bullet entered and seeing the crimson liquid flow down my arm. Yet, I didn’t wake up sweating. I didn’t wake up afraid. It was almost as if I felt a sense of release. As if my life had no direction until that moment in my nightmare. I’m not depressed or suicidal, but just in a state of confusion. 

But I am damn grateful for the good friends that I have in my life.

@2 months ago with 3 notes

Late Night Brooding

For the first time in a while, I thought about what it meant to be a good friend. Is it that one person you can go to when you’re feeling down? Is it that one person that talks to you all the time? What characterizes the good or even best friend? I thought I knew the answer, but as time goes on, my image of a good friend becomes more and more distorted and I start to question myself and my relationships. I begin to wonder if it’s just superficial. Whether I knew the person for years, or just a couple months, I feel as if it’s not a matter of how long you knew the person, rather, how much you care about getting to know who they are. Frankly, I don’t open up to people. People don’t know who I am, what my characteristics are like, or even what I do most of the time. This is a result of me simply being so closed off to other people. I feel as if this is a huge reason why I simply don’t click with so many people or that I don’t feel like we’re not that close. There aren’t moments when I can just come clean and tell people how I feel. But, what can I do at this point? I’ve lived my whole life this way, and there’s no way that I can just change my lifestyle. It’s not that I’m unhappy with who I am, rather, I feel like I’m closed off to my friends, and that’s really not how a friendship should be in my honest opinion. But it is what it is. I am who I am and that’s fine. I guess. Good night.

@4 months ago with 2 notes
omg why

omg why

@5 months ago with 5 notes

I don’t know what to make of the past month. It’s a blur. At times I felt like nothing could stop me, yet mere moments later, I felt like my world was falling apart. As I see the cursor wink at me and listen to the thoughts running through my mind, I can’t help but to continue questioning my decisions. Have I run into something that causes me to push myself down and results in disappointing myself? Or am I simply making something out of nothing. I almost feel as if I’m waiting for something bad to happen. Perhaps the persistent dreams of chaos and injury make way for the thoughts of negativity. Nevertheless, with tomorrow gone, a large burden will finally be lifted off my shoulders and I can concentrate on God, school, spending time with the people I love, and living life.

@3 weeks ago

Christianity is a frighteningly arduous path. Pastors often preach the challenges that each believer must face and say that it will not only be challenging, but unique. However, that is the beauty of it. God purposely gives us challenges that are trying enough to truly cause distraught and struggle, yet He knows our hearts so well that He knows what we can handle.
So I put my faith in the one and only King that knows me better than myself and proclaim this personal commitment to stand strong in the midst of the endeavor to overcome this difficulty because it is something that will pass because Jesus is already victorious.
Instead of feeling inadequate, I know I am more than enough with God
Instead of feeling lost, I know there is a God who loves me
Instead of feeling alone, I know there is a God who stands with me

@2 months ago with 1 note

Going home just allows the brokenness and troubles to resurface. The problems that I thought were left behind long ago linger like scars. It’s as if I thought I could finally escape the dreaded fate that was waiting for me by being in Boston. How naïve of me. Now there’s only one thing that I can worry about because everything else in its presence seems worthless and petty.  I feel sorry for my parents and wish I could do more. I feel sorry for the important people in my life because I wish I could be better. When I see the grim future, I don’t want time to move forward. I keep telling myself that there should be something more that I could do, yet I come up with nothing. I even have dreams, almost as if they were writing the future. I guess “dreams” isn’t the right word, rather, nightmares. 

@3 months ago

Glancing Back and Moving Forward

As I reflect upon the past year, only a few things come first in my mind. 1. How quickly it flew by. 2. The relationships I’ve come to cherish. 3. My abilities and my limits. With the sudden realization that I’m already halfway through my undergraduate career, I’ve come across a question that I have trouble answering. What have I done/am I doing with my life? I like to think that I’m somehow special as a result of what I’ve accomplished. But all of the accolades that I’ve garnered over my short college career is negligible. Nothing really shines, nothing really catches the eye. It pains me to say it, but I really have no other word to describe my abilities: Average. Nothing about me is very special or superb. Rather, all that I have done and have been doing is so small. Seeing my friends accomplish great things or go on to chase their dreams is only a feat that I can imagine. I really don’t know what kind of goals I have. Just to become successful? Make lots of money? If that’s the case, then I’m clearly living life with the wrong motives. I hope that the small things I’ve accumulated over the years can prove useful to me, because quite frankly, I’m going to be an average guy with an average life. I can see it, my future, almost as boring as crunching numbers forever. No offense to those who do that for a living. Y’all are great and everyone needs you to do your job or else other jobs would suck.

Anyways. Seems like this time of year is so fruitful for relationships. Yet, I’m met with nothing. I joke around with people that “I wish I had a girlfriend”, but it’s actually said with truth behind it. Not that I want a girl just for the sake of having a girlfriend, but someone to love, someone to cherish, someone that would accept my failures and wouldn’t judge me when I talk to them. That’s all that I’d want. But then again, it’s not like I have a choice. Whatever, girls are confusing and I never know what’s going on in their minds.

I know that sophomore year is mostly a “slump” for people, but since my freshman year was so bad, I think sophomore year was pretty good. I got to meet good people and further relationships more than I had anticipated, and even did better in school. So things are finally looking up, and I have some breathing room with this summer. PTL. Here’s to a great year and for many more to come. I don’t know who I’m saying this to. It’s a blog. So followers? Whatever, I don’t even know what I’m saying at this point.

@5 months ago with 4 notes

Miracle “Drug”

Listening to my professor talk about this new protein that we’re researching continues to leave me shocked. I found out that this new protein is not only related to senescence, but is also a tumor suppressor, an Alzheimer’s disease treatment/cure(?) and even an intelligence booster. With a large sample size, all from different areas around the country, people that expressed higher levels of this protein scored, on average, 6 points higher on IQ tests than people with less of the protein. So, if things go well with pharmaceuticals, then an intelligence enhancing, cancer suppressing, life-extending, and Alzheimer’s curing drug could be created. If that’s not a miracle drug, I don’t know what is.

I’m still in awe that I’ll be working on something so substantial. But here’s to medicine and a brighter future for all.

@5 months ago with 1 note