Going home just allows the brokenness and troubles to resurface. The problems that I thought were left behind long ago linger like scars. It’s as if I thought I could finally escape the dreaded fate that was waiting for me by being in Boston. How naïve of me. Now there’s only one thing that I can worry about because everything else in its presence seems worthless and petty. I feel sorry for my parents and wish I could do more. I feel sorry for the important people in my life because I wish I could be better. When I see the grim future, I don’t want time to move forward. I keep telling myself that there should be something more that I could do, yet I come up with nothing. I even have dreams, almost as if they were writing the future. I guess “dreams” isn’t the right word, rather, nightmares.
@1 week ago
As I reflect upon the past year, only a few things come first in my mind. 1. How quickly it flew by. 2. The relationships I’ve come to cherish. 3. My abilities and my limits. With the sudden realization that I’m already halfway through my undergraduate career, I’ve come across a question that I have trouble answering. What have I done/am I doing with my life? I like to think that I’m somehow special as a result of what I’ve accomplished. But all of the accolades that I’ve garnered over my short college career is negligible. Nothing really shines, nothing really catches the eye. It pains me to say it, but I really have no other word to describe my abilities: Average. Nothing about me is very special or superb. Rather, all that I have done and have been doing is so small. Seeing my friends accomplish great things or go on to chase their dreams is only a feat that I can imagine. I really don’t know what kind of goals I have. Just to become successful? Make lots of money? If that’s the case, then I’m clearly living life with the wrong motives. I hope that the small things I’ve accumulated over the years can prove useful to me, because quite frankly, I’m going to be an average guy with an average life. I can see it, my future, almost as boring as crunching numbers forever. No offense to those who do that for a living. Y’all are great and everyone needs you to do your job or else other jobs would suck.
Anyways. Seems like this time of year is so fruitful for relationships. Yet, I’m met with nothing. I joke around with people that “I wish I had a girlfriend”, but it’s actually said with truth behind it. Not that I want a girl just for the sake of having a girlfriend, but someone to love, someone to cherish, someone that would accept my failures and wouldn’t judge me when I talk to them. That’s all that I’d want. But then again, it’s not like I have a choice. Whatever, girls are confusing and I never know what’s going on in their minds.
I know that sophomore year is mostly a “slump” for people, but since my freshman year was so bad, I think sophomore year was pretty good. I got to meet good people and further relationships more than I had anticipated, and even did better in school. So things are finally looking up, and I have some breathing room with this summer. PTL. Here’s to a great year and for many more to come. I don’t know who I’m saying this to. It’s a blog. So followers? Whatever, I don’t even know what I’m saying at this point.
@2 months ago with 4 notes
Listening to my professor talk about this new protein that we’re researching continues to leave me shocked. I found out that this new protein is not only related to senescence, but is also a tumor suppressor, an Alzheimer’s disease treatment/cure(?) and even an intelligence booster. With a large sample size, all from different areas around the country, people that expressed higher levels of this protein scored, on average, 6 points higher on IQ tests than people with less of the protein. So, if things go well with pharmaceuticals, then an intelligence enhancing, cancer suppressing, life-extending, and Alzheimer’s curing drug could be created. If that’s not a miracle drug, I don’t know what is.
I’m still in awe that I’ll be working on something so substantial. But here’s to medicine and a brighter future for all.
@2 months ago with 1 note
I should be studying for Ochem but who cares right?
I continue to feel overwhelmed with an unexplainable feeling that continues to irritate my heart, as if something is itching to get out. It may be as a result of my responsibilities, but It’s almost maddening at how arduous and taxing such a simple task could be. Many times, the advice given is bullshit and fluff. Additionally, the extent of the help some people give is a simple word of consolation, as if that would be enough for comfort. Of course, it’s accepted and taken in, but it is not nearly as effective as many make it out to be. As I continue to blab, there is nothing I loathe more than empty words. Why say words if they carry no weight? Just as many say “Don’t make a promise you can’t keep.” the basis of that statement comes from saying words that have no support, no backing. The absolute worst is saying something without believing in it yourself. Why waste someone’s precious emotions and time with something that is ineffective and meaningless?
Anyways. Looking at what occurred in my life this past year, it’s amazing how inept and ignorant I was. Lost in my own lie, I ceased to see clearly. I don’t really understand or care about the way it eventually turned out, but what I regret most is that I was unable to see my incapacity to consider all perspectives. Going forward, each step must be meticulous. It’s ridiculous how easily I fall into something so simple, but I guess it’s because I’m a simple guy. The things that I loathe are uncommon and possibly unreasonable, but I bear with the things that are commonplace because those things are minute and are transient. The things that matter the most take into account the future, the lost, the broken, and the unreasonable. Yet, here I sit, lost in this thing called school, wandering about blindly without any idea what the future holds for me.
I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. Words? Have I gone mad? It’s almost as if I need to try to convince myself that I’m adequate or that I have some sort of edge because of my ability to point out my own mistakes or problems. But who am I to say these things. I’m just a boy who thinks he’s a grown man because he’s lived 20 years. 20 very short years.
To whom it may concern, if you’re still reading this, I’m thoroughly impressed that you would sit through this garbage. For that alone, I will buy you a cookie.
@2 months ago with 1 note
It’s an unfortunate truth that we live in a society where the characteristics of an individual don’t carry them far in life, rather numbers on a piece of paper and “accomplishments” attempt to envelop one’s whole being.
@3 months ago
Going to university has taught me that I’m not superior or lowly, but average. I’ve come to accept this fact, but loathe that my character cannot be taken into consideration when I attempt to show myself to the world. People don’t care if I’m nice, if I work well with others, or if I’m selfless, rather they would want to see someone who has passed exams with flying colors and can present high numbers on their transcript. I’ve often flirted with the idea of presenting myself as something greater than numbers, but to no avail. There seemingly is no way to avoid this stigma of bad marks. And in the end those people who could’ve been perfect for a job or position are lost in the pile of rejects, tossed aside because they couldn’t perform “adequately”. I aspire to change the world in momentous ways that reverberate throughout the years. This is not brought out through performance on exams or an essay on an application. I believe this is only achieved through the nurturing of imagination and letting it flourish and blossom into a grand spectacle. Yet the world continues to restrict creativity and demands that education can only exist when those learning conform to the ideas that are already known.