I can’t sleep

@1 week ago with 1 note

Being immobilized has given me some time to think, although I don’t think brooding always brings about benefits for me. However, I’ve thought a lot about what life is and perhaps why society is the way that it is. There are a number of hypotheses about the topic, but it all seems to come down to the human psyche. Which is why you have people that are suicidal, prideful, modest, joyful, or even indifferent. The uniqueness in people isn’t how they look or how they present themselves, rather, how they react when given the same situation as others. That is how you know someone holds different qualities and morals to give rise to individuality. I can only relate because of the sorry ways I react to situations. I may be overly apologetic, stupid, and unaware of the circumstances. Yet, once I realize my mistakes I take it upon myself to deal with it. This injury has only caused me to loathe asking for help more than I already did in the past and force myself to burden others with my issues. Although it may be naïve, I like to solve my own problems and do things on my own. I keep to myself and myself alone. When I’m pushed into the corner with no out, I then ask others for assistance. It’s almost prideful and bashful in a way, yet I can’t seem to get myself to just accept the help of others. But find myself always wondering about how something I do would affect others, like how my stupid ankle sprain would burden my roommates or cause people to change plans, etc. 

Something even darker is that I constantly have these nightmares of dying. I remember vividly, seeing the bright headlights right before impact as well as the moment of touching the hole in my abdomen where the bullet entered and seeing the crimson liquid flow down my arm. Yet, I didn’t wake up sweating. I didn’t wake up afraid. It was almost as if I felt a sense of release. As if my life had no direction until that moment in my nightmare. I’m not depressed or suicidal, but just in a state of confusion. 

But I am damn grateful for the good friends that I have in my life.

@1 month ago with 3 notes

Late Night Brooding

For the first time in a while, I thought about what it meant to be a good friend. Is it that one person you can go to when you’re feeling down? Is it that one person that talks to you all the time? What characterizes the good or even best friend? I thought I knew the answer, but as time goes on, my image of a good friend becomes more and more distorted and I start to question myself and my relationships. I begin to wonder if it’s just superficial. Whether I knew the person for years, or just a couple months, I feel as if it’s not a matter of how long you knew the person, rather, how much you care about getting to know who they are. Frankly, I don’t open up to people. People don’t know who I am, what my characteristics are like, or even what I do most of the time. This is a result of me simply being so closed off to other people. I feel as if this is a huge reason why I simply don’t click with so many people or that I don’t feel like we’re not that close. There aren’t moments when I can just come clean and tell people how I feel. But, what can I do at this point? I’ve lived my whole life this way, and there’s no way that I can just change my lifestyle. It’s not that I’m unhappy with who I am, rather, I feel like I’m closed off to my friends, and that’s really not how a friendship should be in my honest opinion. But it is what it is. I am who I am and that’s fine. I guess. Good night.

@3 months ago with 2 notes
omg why

omg why

@3 months ago with 5 notes

Only because I have so much time on my hands.

I question the authenticity of all that I do. I tend to react in ways that I didn’t think I would, and I’m appalled at how easily I snap. Perhaps it’s a result of the pent up emotions that I withhold, but I find myself putting on a front nearly all day. It’s a dangerous path that I take, and over and over again, I catch myself immediately regretting a certain decision. However, I do not take these decisions and actions lightly. They stay with me as I brood over them for hours, possibly days, and constantly ponder why I might’ve reacted the way that I did. But I end up burying it deep within myself, only to resurface when I find myself in a similar situation. It’s a slippery slope that I find myself on, but I just can’t seem to get out of this rhythm of ingenuity. I like to think that I’m a simple guy, but there are so many different things that affect me in ways that I wouldn’t even think of revealing to others. People don’t know me, and I absolutely loathe when they think they know me and how I am as a person. I don’t know why these thoughts are consuming my mind at the moment, but it’s something I realized and wanted to change about myself. I want to be more genuine, but I feel like the harder I try to do so, I’m giving more and more of a false personality. Who am I?

@4 months ago

Christianity is a frighteningly arduous path. Pastors often preach the challenges that each believer must face and say that it will not only be challenging, but unique. However, that is the beauty of it. God purposely gives us challenges that are trying enough to truly cause distraught and struggle, yet He knows our hearts so well that He knows what we can handle.
So I put my faith in the one and only King that knows me better than myself and proclaim this personal commitment to stand strong in the midst of the endeavor to overcome this difficulty because it is something that will pass because Jesus is already victorious.
Instead of feeling inadequate, I know I am more than enough with God
Instead of feeling lost, I know there is a God who loves me
Instead of feeling alone, I know there is a God who stands with me

@1 month ago with 1 note

Going home just allows the brokenness and troubles to resurface. The problems that I thought were left behind long ago linger like scars. It’s as if I thought I could finally escape the dreaded fate that was waiting for me by being in Boston. How naïve of me. Now there’s only one thing that I can worry about because everything else in its presence seems worthless and petty.  I feel sorry for my parents and wish I could do more. I feel sorry for the important people in my life because I wish I could be better. When I see the grim future, I don’t want time to move forward. I keep telling myself that there should be something more that I could do, yet I come up with nothing. I even have dreams, almost as if they were writing the future. I guess “dreams” isn’t the right word, rather, nightmares. 

@2 months ago

Glancing Back and Moving Forward

As I reflect upon the past year, only a few things come first in my mind. 1. How quickly it flew by. 2. The relationships I’ve come to cherish. 3. My abilities and my limits. With the sudden realization that I’m already halfway through my undergraduate career, I’ve come across a question that I have trouble answering. What have I done/am I doing with my life? I like to think that I’m somehow special as a result of what I’ve accomplished. But all of the accolades that I’ve garnered over my short college career is negligible. Nothing really shines, nothing really catches the eye. It pains me to say it, but I really have no other word to describe my abilities: Average. Nothing about me is very special or superb. Rather, all that I have done and have been doing is so small. Seeing my friends accomplish great things or go on to chase their dreams is only a feat that I can imagine. I really don’t know what kind of goals I have. Just to become successful? Make lots of money? If that’s the case, then I’m clearly living life with the wrong motives. I hope that the small things I’ve accumulated over the years can prove useful to me, because quite frankly, I’m going to be an average guy with an average life. I can see it, my future, almost as boring as crunching numbers forever. No offense to those who do that for a living. Y’all are great and everyone needs you to do your job or else other jobs would suck.

Anyways. Seems like this time of year is so fruitful for relationships. Yet, I’m met with nothing. I joke around with people that “I wish I had a girlfriend”, but it’s actually said with truth behind it. Not that I want a girl just for the sake of having a girlfriend, but someone to love, someone to cherish, someone that would accept my failures and wouldn’t judge me when I talk to them. That’s all that I’d want. But then again, it’s not like I have a choice. Whatever, girls are confusing and I never know what’s going on in their minds.

I know that sophomore year is mostly a “slump” for people, but since my freshman year was so bad, I think sophomore year was pretty good. I got to meet good people and further relationships more than I had anticipated, and even did better in school. So things are finally looking up, and I have some breathing room with this summer. PTL. Here’s to a great year and for many more to come. I don’t know who I’m saying this to. It’s a blog. So followers? Whatever, I don’t even know what I’m saying at this point.

@3 months ago with 4 notes

Miracle “Drug”

Listening to my professor talk about this new protein that we’re researching continues to leave me shocked. I found out that this new protein is not only related to senescence, but is also a tumor suppressor, an Alzheimer’s disease treatment/cure(?) and even an intelligence booster. With a large sample size, all from different areas around the country, people that expressed higher levels of this protein scored, on average, 6 points higher on IQ tests than people with less of the protein. So, if things go well with pharmaceuticals, then an intelligence enhancing, cancer suppressing, life-extending, and Alzheimer’s curing drug could be created. If that’s not a miracle drug, I don’t know what is.

I’m still in awe that I’ll be working on something so substantial. But here’s to medicine and a brighter future for all.

@4 months ago with 1 note


I should be studying for Ochem but who cares right?
I continue to feel overwhelmed with an unexplainable feeling that continues to irritate my heart, as if something is itching to get out. It may be as a result of my responsibilities, but It’s almost maddening at how arduous and taxing such a simple task could be. Many times, the advice given is bullshit and fluff. Additionally, the extent of the help some people give is a simple word of consolation, as if that would be enough for comfort. Of course, it’s accepted and taken in, but it is not nearly as effective as many make it out to be. As I continue to blab, there is nothing I loathe more than empty words. Why say words if they carry no weight? Just as many say “Don’t make a promise you can’t keep.” the basis of that statement comes from saying words that have no support, no backing. The absolute worst is saying something without believing in it yourself. Why waste someone’s precious emotions and time with something that is ineffective and meaningless?

Anyways. Looking at what occurred in my life this past year, it’s amazing how inept and ignorant I was. Lost in my own lie, I ceased to see clearly. I don’t really understand or care about the way it eventually turned out, but what I regret most is that I was unable to see my incapacity to consider all perspectives. Going forward, each step must be meticulous. It’s ridiculous how easily I fall into something so simple, but I guess it’s because I’m a simple guy. The things that I loathe are uncommon and possibly unreasonable, but I bear with the things that are commonplace because those things are minute and are transient. The things that matter the most take into account the future, the lost, the broken, and the unreasonable. Yet, here I sit, lost in this thing called school, wandering about blindly without any idea what the future holds for me.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. Words? Have I gone mad? It’s almost as if I need to try to convince myself that I’m adequate or that I have some sort of edge because of my ability to point out my own mistakes or problems. But who am I to say these things. I’m just a boy who thinks he’s a grown man because he’s lived 20 years. 20 very short years.

To whom it may concern, if you’re still reading this, I’m thoroughly impressed that you would sit through this garbage. For that alone, I will buy you a cookie.

@4 months ago with 1 note